The beginning…

I first suffered with depression when I was in my late teens. I’m now 31 & I’ve suffered on & off. Currently I have been battling an episode of depression & anxiety for over a year now. This being the worst episode I have ever had.

Last year things began to get on top of me. I was tired all the time. Crying every day. I pushed everyone away.

At the beginning of August last year I took what would be over 5months sick leave from my work. During that time I reached my all time low.

I took to Instagram. I had enough of Facebook. I wanted to be more anonymous. I wanted to see what was out there. Reading other people’s battles encouraged me that I wasn’t alone. I took at first to writing in a journal & then later to posting quotes and pictures on Instagram with comments on my own battle.

I found writing to be an outlet for the thoughts in my head. I needed to be able to empty my head and writing has helped some.

This is why I have created this blog. To share my battle. My own story.

Bad day

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Having depression is hard. It can make you feel so alone and isolated with all the negative thoughts that go round in your head.

This was a bad day for me. I felt no one wasn’t there for me. I had no one to talk to. No one to do anything with. I was alone. And, lonely.

World Mental Health Day

🎼I’m comin out, I want the world to know, gotta let it show….. I have a lifelong mental illness! 😁.
-Ta dah!!!! ✨

-Anti-climatic eh?!? πŸ€·πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ

-Or it should be!!!😐

……..

Stigma attached to mental health is ridiculous, shows ignorance, benefits no one and should be a thing of the long ago past. πŸ€¦πŸΌβ€β™€οΈπŸ—‘

……..


We (everyone) need to work towards eradicating the negativity surrounding these β€˜invisible’ illnesses that are very much REAL illnesses. They exist. They cause more than mental symptoms. The physical symptoms associated can be just as life altering. 

…..
πŸ™‚Share your stories
πŸ™‚Talk to other people 

πŸ™‚Ask for help

πŸ™‚Don’t be afraid 

……..

Reaching out and opening up was the best thing I did. I am so fortunate to have support. 

I’ve been at the bottom and contemplated the end. I’ve been in the dark holes. My black room with the black clouds. I’ve felt & still feel at times worthless, useless, empty, numb & an outsider. 

If I can help, I will. I’ll listen, chat, try to be a friend. Just send me a message. Any time πŸ’š

✨#Endthestigma ✨

Oct 1st

Today’s a bad day… my mental health is kicking me in the ass. Truly. πŸ€•
I need a good cry but it isn’t ready. πŸ˜”πŸ™

Today’s #selfcare …I got out of bed. Might read my book. πŸ“•πŸ“—πŸ“˜πŸ“™I miss my pups ❀️❀️🐢🐢❀️❀️ 

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I think it’s important for us to share our good and bad mental health days. It’s the only way to lessen the stigma. It’s also important to reach out and let people know when your struggling. πŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’š I hope your all having an ok day. Just remember to breathe. 

I made it out tonight. To sit on a bench and listen to the waves. So calming ☺️ blissful ❀️

The end of bootcampΒ 

So day 29 was a much needed rest day. I spent it at the beach

Day 30– the last day of the month…. 
My second introduction to Kenzie Brenna’s #Selflovebootcamp 🌸🌸🌸 I made it through the month minus one challenge I wasn’t quite ready for! Still an achievement. πŸ†πŸ†πŸ†

So the past month has definitely showed me a few things. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster for sure. πŸ˜‰ It’s improved my confidence a little. I would say I don’t ‘hate’ my body. I’m not in love, not yet. But I’m a little closer. ☺️ 


I know that we come in all shapes and sizes. A little cellulite or a lot. We all have Squish to squeeze. πŸ™Š We must all accept our current body and attempt to love the hell out of it! πŸ˜πŸ‘™πŸ˜

It’s been amazing to be a part of a small community so set on being supportive of one another. That’s perhaps been the best bit for me. The encouragement and support not just for our body positivity but for the support towards better mental health. πŸ’š

As women I think it’s how we should be all the time. I’m, I hope, more aware of others battles. The hardships we all face, how privileged we are by some things. I hope I continue to practice self care, not just on Sundays but everyday. 

I hope to work towards achieving some of my goals and maybe knocking one or two things off of my bucket list!

ps. I still love Vanilla ice cream, dogs and beaches πŸ˜‚β€οΈπŸΆπŸΆβ€οΈπŸ¦πŸ¦πŸ’šπŸ˜ 

Boycott the before

Day 28- #Boycottthebefore🌸

This post to me is about accepting where my body is in the here and now. Not ten years ago. Not a week ago. Not ahead in a years time but now. It’s about my journey to body positivity and self love. It doesn’t matter what I weighed before. I am boycotting the before me. ❀️

I have to accept this is the body I have. Its the body that allows me to do all the things I do on a daily basis.

🌹


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What this photo doesn’t show is the progress I’ve made with my mental health this year. My overly-emotional journey. The change of medications. The (more than I should have gotten) counselling sessions, referral to a psychiatrist and help through occupational health. πŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’š

Privilege

Day 27- Privilege
So today’s challenge in the Self love bootcamp is related to looking at ourselves, the hardships we’ve faced and been through and the privileges we’ve had. 


We’ve all been through some shit. Some bad times. There is no doubt in my mind that we all have had some hardships at some point in our lives. Been stigmatised or bullied. Passed over for something or struggled financially. 

I personally don’t come across many other cultures in the town I live in or the job I have. It’s a very white & Scottish area. 

My parents worked extremely hard to provide for me and my sister. We weren’t spoiled rotten but we still got treats. I was bullied throughout primary & secondary for my appearance. My body shape. 

My mental health problems started right after school. Possibly before but I know I struggled through all of my 20’s. I got into a lot of financial debt. Recklessly. My family have helped me to keep hold of my home. They helped me to have a car to get around. They would give me their last penny. I have a wonderful extended family aswell. My gran was an amazing woman and she loved family gatherings so it stemmed from there. I have also been in same sex relationships. We were strong enough to not care about any criticisms and to be fair any we did face came from strangers. 

πŸ’š

So despite my hardships in life, mainly caused by my mental health, I know I am privileged. I’m able bodied. I have no physical disabilities. I’m white. I have no automatic stigma attached to me. 

I know I am lucky. I am truly grateful for the family I have. The support I have. 


I’d also like to think that I am & would be supportive of others, of different cultures, religions, colour, sexuality & financial status, etc. 

Images from Pinterest 

Days 23-26 of Kenzie Brenna’s bootcamp

So days 23 / 24 / 25 were all repeats. We had Cellulite Saturday, Selfie Sunday & Embrace the Squish again. I still struggled with taking pictures of my body but it was certainly easier than the first time around! 
β€οΈπŸ˜ŠπŸ˜‚πŸ™‚β€οΈ

Day 26 however was about goals that you have set yourself that are not about your body i.e. Not about losing or gaining or building muscle etc. 
This last year goals for me have included getting out of bed, having a shower, getting to work, attending counselling and well, breathing. Improving my mental health has been the biggest goal. 

πŸ’š

While I do have goals for my body they are definitely not at the top of the list and I’d rather not write about them. Some of my other goals however include: 

1. Understanding my mental health diagnosis better .

2. Adjusting to my medications properly πŸ’Š.

3. Drinking less fizzy juice .

4. Being calmer and therefore a nicer person πŸ€—.

5. Learning how to write in my blog πŸ“.

6. Becoming more comfortable in my own skin.

7. Spending as much time with the dogs as possible 😍🐢🐢❀️.

Then there are some goals I want to keep quiet and celebrate myself πŸ€—

No make up

Day 22- 

Today is no makeup day so what better than a selfie first thing in the morning πŸ™‚ 

Make up to women can be important for several reasons. People with acne, scars, what they class as imperfections, may all like to use make up.

Before last year I would never have left the house without makeup on. I felt I looked to pale. The bags under my eyes were too dark. My eyebrows too pale. 

However dealing with my mental health it became less important. Now while I still don’t go without very often it doesn’t have the same negative impact πŸ’‹πŸ’„πŸ‘„. I can do it. I’ll go walking the dogs without any on. I’ll visit family without it on. I’ll nip to the local shop. I’ll even leave the house without straightening my hair now πŸ˜‚. 

Baby steps …

Day 21 (late posting)

Day 21- the Bucket List

This was a challenge to focus on something other than our bodies. 
. . .

Here goes: 

1. Go back to New York (with family & alone) πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡ΈπŸ‡ΊπŸ‡ΈπŸ‡ΊπŸ‡Έ

2. Visit Canada- I’d love to tour 😁

3. Have my own dog

4. Have a house 

5. Go in a hot air balloon

6. See the fields of tulips in Amsterdam & try some hash brownies πŸ˜‚

7. Get a tattoo

8. See the Northern Lights

9. Be a mum- just like my mum ❀️

10. Have another dog πŸ˜‚β€οΈπŸΆπŸΆβ€οΈ 

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Ultimately I want to be happy and healthy and for my family to be the same ❀️❀️❀️

…..🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷…..

Day 19 & 20 (catch up)

Soooo…… 

Still running behind but! 

Day 19 #scarrednotscared

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‘So I do have some surgical scars but not for anything I’d class as big. I have four lap entry sites, a scar & indentation from open surgery to remove my appendix and a well scarred belly button from having my gallbladder removed. None of these are anything I would ever class as an issue. They are minor in comparison to other people’s.  ‘

🌺🌺🌸🌸🌺🌺 

 So this post was all about celebrating the scars and marks we have from things like surgeries. It is NOT about self harm scars. 

I felt my surgical scars to minimal compared with what others had went through so I chose the option of uploading a positive body meme. ( I do love a wee meme) 


This was one…. I liked the fire idea πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯

Day 20- Fave body part! 😍😍😍

This one is pretty self explanatory. We were to look at our own bodies and find something we love. For someone with body issues, self esteem issues and just a general dislike for my body at times it wasn’t the easiest. 

‘This took a little thinking, I like my eyes, my hair, my back and my legs. 

I went for my legs mainly my calves. ❀️

 I love the fact that I can wear heels and they make my legs look longer! 

They give me the ability to buy pretty shoes & walk along the beach with the pooches ❀️🐢🐢❀️

So obviously I have to show my calves wearing pretty heels πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚’

I think if I looked deeper in to my choice I went for my legs because they have the least fat. They are the parts I have the most confidence in. My abdomen, really the trunk of my body is where I have the most self confidence issues. 

The bootcamp really is getting us to think about our bodies in a different light. It’s also a community of supportive women which I love! β€οΈπŸ’šβ€οΈ

So this is another catch up, getting there. 😊 

Becoming a mermaidΒ 

#mermaidthighs : Celebrating all those who don’t have a thigh gap for whatever reason!!! Some bodies have them: some bodies don’t. 

Be it a natural shape i.e. Shape of your hips/pelvis. Or be it weight. Not having a gap does not lessen your worth. Having a gap for that matter does not improve your worth. We are all worthy & beautiful because we all matter

Day 18’s task- to show off our mermaid legs.  For me this was an easy enough task to complete. I have no thigh gap. I have ‘thunder thighs’ however now… I shall rename them ‘MERMAID THIGHS’ πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ’πŸΌπŸ’πŸΌπŸ’πŸΌ

(Mermaid picture is from Pinterest)