So my ‘positive’ outlook lasted around 12 hours today 🙄 still an achievement I think!
A little bit too much of overthinking & overanalysing- biggest cause of unhappiness sometimes!
An unexpected night out was badly needed & I had a nice evening..sober as I’m nervous at any kind of drinking with my meds…anyway, some serious conversation at the end did bring on some tears (& panic that my mascara wasn’t waterproof!) as I was told I’m too hard on myself sometimes. This of course was no surprise but sometimes hearing it- it hurts me more. I think because someone is saying it out loud. That they can tell you don’t like yourself, that you have clear trust issues and it’s obvious I’m not ok. But I do try to hide as much as possible, I try to put my fake smile on & say the right things. I try to be supportive of others, encouraging when needed.
It’s true you should love yourself & then I dare say you’d see your own value for what it is. As I don’t, this is unclear to me at times. The person I spoke with knows some of my battles but also some of the things I crave most in life. I most definitely do have some trust issues & almost feel like anyone I do let in should be told to be careful they don’t break anything!
As I came home to an empty flat, I feel alone & wonder at what life has in store for me now. I’ll admit I get jealous sometimes of others & what they have. Partners, children, jobs they enjoy & travel they crave.
The future for me is scary. I feel stuck at present between ‘fuck it’ & the ‘what ifs’. I desperately want to pursue the what ifs but sometimes feel this is not up to me to decide on. These decisions are out of my control. Other times I’m simply too scared or I think I’ve missed my opportunity.
Tonight I felt old sitting in the bar watching people who seriously look 12 years old wander by. I wanted to go back. Try a different route.
I need to forget the past & move on. Start again. Fresh this time. Do everything & anything for myself that I can & no one else. Be selfish ( nicely ) be honest & truthful. Trust that what will be will be & that I cannot change it. It’s just considerably easier said than done to trust even myself!