So yesterday my positivity slipped and come early evening I could feel the ‘meh’ slipping in. I had a lovely lunch with family but my evening plans got cancelled & I dunno. 😕 I’ve been on the go since last week & maybe slowing down is giving my head a chance to catch up 😞 I couldn’t even face any crafts! All I kept thinking was well that was short lived positivity!
This morning is mixed. I’m not feeling the same up feeling I have the last few days. Wouldn’t it be nice if recovering could just be a steady road???🤔 I can feel the pressure building right inside my core. The ‘full’ feeling… like my chest is gonna explode…
I’m trying really hard today to stay up. Or as close to it as I can!
Depression has so many highs & lows. It’s unpredictable.Looking at where I’ve come from I know I’m doing better I just wish I could be content quicker. I wish I didn’t have the confidence issues or the complete lack of trust for the human race.
My counsellor told me that some of my issues mean I lose out on relationships. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be able to like me. To be happy on my own so I don’t chase unhealthy relationships. To be content. I crave motivation. I want to not just be ‘tired’ or ‘fine’ or ‘ok’. I want to be pill free. I want to not have to pretend. I want to be able to talk to someone when things start to feel shitty. I know there are people- family, strangers, charities that I could reach out to but I don’t want to be a burden or take anyone’s space that needs that outlet more than me. I can’t speak. I know people are there if I need to vent & I’m grateful, truly, but so many people have let me down that I can’t trust anymore.
Without the freedom to write here I think I would go crazy. It’s an outlet.