Sooo the black room continues to be closed and the up feeling is ongoing in that it’s been two whole weeks since I cried- that’s the longest I’ve went in around a year! It’s crazy to think that. I almost keep expecting to crack but I haven’t felt the pressure rising. No physical symptoms. I’ve been sad, I’ve been anxious, I’ve been scared, happy, content, excited, high & low. All within two minutes sometimes!
Sometimes I worry that I’m going back to my old habits and not dealing with what I should be.
Do I trust myself? Not yet.
Do I feel content with my physical appearance? Nope!
Do I like myself? Maybe sometimes.
Do I love myself? I don’t know.
Am I still giving others the power to do all this for me? Possibly.
That scares me. What if that’s what I’m doing again? That’s why I feel better? Others are giving me the reassurance. They like me so I must be ok. But what if they leave. What then? Do I crumple? Do I fall apart? Does the black room come back with vengeance?
How do you actually know when you love yourself?
When you trust yourself?
Do you ever?
Clearly I’m in overthinking mode today. I need motivation. I need to create a list to sort myself out. Do the things I wanted to do alone. My goal this year is to have a holiday on my own. I don’t know where. Or if i can even afford to but that’s what I want.
My todo list is still quite long. I managed the gp- no appointments for 4 weeks. However it may actually be that I’m taking too much b6 so I’m going to cut down and see what happens before I mess with the antidepressant. My diet still sucks. I’m ok at work. That’s set breaks. Days off- useless! Yesterday I had one whole meal and too many jam doughnuts. Today I’m trying to build up the force to eat breakfast. I’ve got a study day today that I’m praying I’m actually clever enough to attend! Time will tell… might help me stop overthinking everything else!