This morning I’ve woke up overthinking, wondering & debating things. Again. When I’m mad or upset with some people I sometimes hold my tongue. I don’t say what I’m truly feeling & thinking. When I’m frustrated & stressed it results in anger as a defence & I’ll go full swing. Or I use to- I’m much improved with the management of that.
But my question is why do I hold back when someone genuinely insults or hurts me? Why don’t I express my feelings? My thoughts?
It got me wondering if I’m still scared they’ll leave me. That I’ll be rejected for my honesty. So if I just give them what they want to see & hear then it’ll be fine. No abandoning.
When I started counselling we identified my trust, confidence & abandonment issues as playing a part in my black hole. Why am I still so scared to be completely me? To say to hell with it. Why do I still put the mask on? Over & over again. How do I get rid of the mask? Or is it that Who I am? That I will forever be saying ‘I’m fine’, ‘just tired’ & ‘it’s ok’.
It’s been explained to me that I’m different things to many different people dependent on the relationship- daughter, sister, friend, nurse, gf, etc. I see that as what I offer. My support, etc. All of those things I am don’t help define who I am inside my head. But surely theres a way to figure out who I am? Is it normal at 30 to still wonder what & who you want to be?
I’m hating this feeling today. The heavy weight is back. I feel like it will be there until the tears flow. Whenever they come. Anxiety is on the up today.
The feeling of wanting to travel is also back to try & work out who the hell I am. I want to start over from scratch. I basically want a time machine!
Sorry for the long ramble/ doesn’t even make sense but I got to empty the head & this is my method!
No one said recovery was a straight road!