Trust

The problem with trust is, once it’s broken it’s hard to repair. It’s also harder for that person to go on & trust someone else. It makes it scarier. The risk of hurting & pain & feeling let down is so much higher.

For me I struggle trusting. My depression & anxiety make this ten times worse. I bottle all of me up. There is no one I trust fully to see all of me. There are some who may know 85% of me & have my highest level of trust I can muster. They are the special people in my life.

No one knows everything. I simply don’t trust anyone that much. I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want to get hurt. These are the walls I build around myself.

The problem is there are people who I may have trusted with say 50% of me- the walls have crumbled for these people. They have gone on to let me down at times. Repeatedly. I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m upset. I’m seriously annoyed at myself. I blame myself. I gave too much. I told too much. I trusted too soon. I have told how I feel about things, what I may need from them- the extra support, the higher awareness of their words & actions- the need to see what they say rather than just hear their words. Actions are more important.

It hasn’t mattered. I still have ended up feeling this way. Hurt & low. This affects my mood. My mind goes into overdrive. Overthinking. Overanalysing. Replaying. Regret. Blame. Rebuilding those walls. So now they only get 40%. Not only do they lose a percentage of my trust but I lose a percentage of my strength. This I know is wrong. This I know is something I need to fix. I need to be strong. To love myself. To care for myself. To allocate me time. To be brave enough to say enough. To be content enough alone.

To not become drained or tired or simply exhausted mentally & physically.

The problem is… I already feel tired.

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