Feeling lonely

There is a difference between alone & lonely. I’m well aware my family love me. They would do anything for me. I know this & I love them for it.

Unfortunately that doesn’t stop me feeling lonely. It’s not about being alone either. It’s a deep empty feeling of loneliness. It’s numbing. I can feel it when I’m with people & when I’m alone.

What are friends? I have people who would say we’re friends. However none of them no what I’m actually going through. None of them ask. None of them want to be brought down by my darkness. My moods & my crabbitness. I don’t see them out of work. Some I haven’t seen in over a year or longer. They don’t text or call. There’s no house visits or days out.

Depression & any mental illness is difficult to understand. I get that. I get that people like me are difficult to talk to.

We push people away. I push away because I don’t want to get hurt or hurt anyone. I don’t want anyone to know what goes on in my head. How dark my thoughts can go. I have anxiety. I overthink. I don’t trust. I snap & can be angry.

That’s my defence to stop me crying. It’s frustration, anxiety, a loss of control.

Anger is a 2nd emotion. Never the 1st. It’s always in place of something.

When people do ask how I am, I feel obliged to lie. To say I’m ok. Or just tired. Or yeah I’m fine. They don’t want to know that I cry myself to sleep most nights.

They wouldn’t know what to say to me.

People have too much going on in their own lives without my dark clouds opening up.

But I do ask this- no offence intended but don’t say your always there for me to chat when your not.

Don’t offer something you can’t do.

Because if you truly were there would I feel this lonely???

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