Compassion… do you know what it is? Sensitivity? Empathy?

Today I went to see my gp. The gp I liked who I felt understood mental health has retired. I was offered an appointment with one of the doctors I didn’t want to see but thought well I need to go.

(Negative experience with him before with my mental health but maybe that was just me?!?)
Not sure how I feel right now having cried my eyes out ( currently still streaming) other than I know I do not feel better. He said I looked despondent…. how was I meant to look?

He said I couldn’t say I don’t know or that I’d been told I should come back to see a gp.

He said when I asked if any of the pills he suggested would help for anxiety that I’m asking a question I know the answer to- I’m a nurse, I’m capable of knowing what I need (because clearly I understand every anti- depressant and it’s uses!)

Also that anxiety and depression are related so clearly if a pill works for one it will help the other! I said I didn’t think every pill did help both & he replied that that’s just a licensing thing but anxiety and depression pretty much go together!

Cue the part where I just gave up talking.

So now I’ve to try Buspirone. Never heard of it.

We’ve agreed- I’d of agreed to swim to France just to get out that room- that I will try this drug with my current meds. That I will continue doing everything I’m doing with counselling and that he will ask for a psychiatrists opinion on my medication having tried so many already.

Did I agree with the plan? He asked me to make an appt for two weeks time to see him…. at present I’d be happy to never see him again.

I will say, whilst I was sitting there crying and clearly wanting to leave he did check I have numbers for helplines. So maybe somewhere in there was a glimpse of realisation for him as to how I bad I feel.

I truly didn’t realise that I had to keep my fake happy face on even for doctors. I had, my mistake clearly, hoped for a little more compassion. Rather than feeling like I was just annoying someone else. Causing frustration. Wasting time.

I didn’t even get to explain my physical symptoms, the headaches, the cramps, the ibs, the persistent exhaustion. I just wanted to run out of that room.

Instead I said thanks and left.

Now I’ve come to listen to the waves & I just want to sleep. Now I think have I misread it. Is it just because of how I feel that I’m so sensitive….. or as a medical professional should he have been more sensitive?

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