“You’re gonna be happy”

“But first,” said life,

“I’ll make you strong.”

Midnight ramblings post nightshifts… I’ve come to accept that the turn around from nightshift back to daylight is having a negative affect on my mood. I really struggle with the negative feelings from being tired and lacking motivation- I’m irritable- more so than my normal.

Lately I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions & trying to figure out the best things for not just myself but others who may be affected by my choices.

I had a really good call from my counsellor the other day & we talked about how thoughts can easily be changed but it’s the emotions that need to be dealt with & this takes longer. Ignore them & they ultimately catch up. I am living proof that bottling things up does you no good in the long run!

We also talked about the needs of the inner child & the needs of the adult & how often when recovering from mental health problems those can be two very different things. She gave me lots to think about- not like I don’t have enough going on in my head!

I told her I’m really nervous about meeting the psychiatrist for fear of being treated in the same manner as the last Gp. She told me not to worry he would take a history from me. He won’t base anything on how I look that day. Whether I look ‘too happy’ to be depressed or anxious. She’s assured me he has a very good reputation.

The appt is still several weeks away. I still have other hurdles to get through. Work isn’t going well for me. I fee unsupported there and there are hurdles coming my way.

Then there’s the new appt for new counselling. I have one session left with my counsellor. I can’t think or talk too long on it or I cry. She’s my safe space & one of the very few people I trust.
I wonder when I’ll be happy and content with my life. I know I will be.

Life just has to make me strong first.

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