Space needed

I’m craving space right now… really craving ‘do nothing’ time. I’m not even sure what I would do. I think I need to be alone to truly recharge. I feel so depleted of my energy stores.
I’ve been overthinking. Earlier I had the feeling of the weight. A pain. Right in my chest. A pressure. Like a ball of frustration & anxiety. Feeling like there’s a weight on my shoulders. I tried really hard to bring it back to centre. I tried to focus on my breathing. To breathe. I tried to be mindful & I totally failed- miserably. I was so frustrated & couldn’t speak. I still feel the weight on my shoulders. Still worrying about others. Still feeling that I’m giving too much & Worrying about giving too much. I’m tired. They’re my favourite two words. ‘I’m tired’. They’re also the truest two words I could ever speak right now. They hide a multitude of feelings!

I feel like by helping others I can distract myself from my own problems & issues but then every so often it slaps me back in the face & I collapse.

Well…I’m close to collapse.

My mental health is close to another step back. And, I still can’t cry!

I need a good cry, a cuddle, a good shoulder & back massage & a week of sleep- uninterrupted!❤️

At least 7 things you didn’t know or had thought about

IMG_1785.PNGCame across this on my scroll through Pinterest. 7 things you didn’t know or think about. None of these would have come into my head. The opposite in fact. I believed I was so worthless that no one could love me. I was the broken one. The difficult, moody cry baby. The one who couldn’t function. It was always my fault.
Now on my ‘journey’ to better mental health I still look at that list and I think really?!? I believe I have worth. I know there are people who love me unconditionally. I know I love some people unconditionally & there are most definitely people I would do literally anything for. But 15 people? Strangers?
The only one I went ‘yeah true’ was the someone being alive because of me through my being a nurse.
I struggle daily with the battle to ‘love myself’. I prefer to love others. I know this is wrong, in that I should be first but I don’t know how. As my counsellor told me when I work it out I won’t need to ask if I do. Missed my appointment last week so on a mission today to get it rearranged. Could be why I’m feeling the way I am lately. Also debating the reduction in b6. It has cleared most of the foggy weird episodes I was having but I do feel lower. Or hormones- enough said there. Or maybe I’m needing some ‘me time’. Being in a new relationship is exciting but also tiring. I’m overthinking about everything and people are constantly commenting, asking & advising. Making me then question things. I’m becoming a little exhausted mentally. My head is like a whirlpool! How he puts up with me is beyond my imagination but then I put up with him so…. evens 🙊
Anyway… definitely 7 things I didn’t think about before.

Sisters❤️

img_1783.pngIt may not be the weekend but I still get to see her! Spending the day in arran with my lovely little sister. When we were little we fought like cat and dog… there was violence 😂 then we grew up and she’s my best friend.

We’ve both learnt to be there for each other and support each other’s mental health. We thankfully haven’t broken down at the same time so there’s always a strong one there for us.

Support comes in many forms but having someone who gets it, even just a little and who knows your mood swings and will cry with you is priceless.

Love her to pieces.

We will both be healthy and today will a be a good mental health day! img_1782.png

No one understands these thoughts…

This morning I’ve woke up overthinking, wondering & debating things. Again. When I’m mad or upset with some people I sometimes hold my tongue. I don’t say what I’m truly feeling & thinking. When I’m frustrated & stressed it results in anger as a defence & I’ll go full swing. Or I use to- I’m much improved with the management of that.

But my question is why do I hold back when someone genuinely insults or hurts me? Why don’t I express my feelings? My thoughts?

It got me wondering if I’m still scared they’ll leave me. That I’ll be rejected for my honesty. So if I just give them what they want to see & hear then it’ll be fine. No abandoning.

When I started counselling we identified my trust, confidence & abandonment issues as playing a part in my black hole. Why am I still so scared to be completely me? To say to hell with it. Why do I still put the mask on? Over & over again. How do I get rid of the mask? Or is it that Who I am? That I will forever be saying ‘I’m fine’, ‘just tired’ & ‘it’s ok’.

It’s been explained to me that I’m different things to many different people dependent on the relationship- daughter, sister, friend, nurse, gf, etc. I see that as what I offer. My support, etc. All of those things I am don’t help define who I am inside my head. But surely theres a way to figure out who I am? Is it normal at 30 to still wonder what & who you want to be?

I’m hating this feeling today. The heavy weight is back. I feel like it will be there until the tears flow. Whenever they come. Anxiety is on the up today.

The feeling of wanting to travel is also back to try & work out who the hell I am. I want to start over from scratch. I basically want a time machine!

Sorry for the long ramble/ doesn’t even make sense but I got to empty the head & this is my method!

No one said recovery was a straight road!IMG_1781.PNG

No sense

Feeling kinda off today… I’ve been in Arran since Saturday. What I thought I’d be doing I haven’t been. Today I’m kinda feeling a little down, a little let down & cranky. I’m tired but that’s been my war cry & I think some people are getting fed up with me saying it. I miss my own bed.

I’m struggling to maintain the trust in some people. To believe what’s said. I think I need to see actions before I can fully trust.
I either need a really really long nap or a good cry. I’ve got the chest feeling. Dull & heavy.

I’ve cut back on my vitamin B6 for fear I was taking too much but whether that is having an effect on my mood I’m not sure.
I’ve no counselling this week- not back till next Tuesday. I feel like I need it this week. To vent and get some clarity on the present. Lift the weight off my chest.
My mental health is improving I know that. I see it. Feel it. These bad days I have are just that. I need to keep working on building myself up. Looking after me. I worry so much that I’m slipping back to my old ways of plodding on and keeping a mask on. I need to be strong. Be protective of my heart & soul.

I just want to be content with my life ❤️

20 random facts about me 😂

20 facts about me…
1. I never ever wanted to be a nurse yet I’ve been qualified now 6 years 😣
2. I’m incredibly emotional & I cry at EVERYTHING!!! Books, films, tv, movies! 😭
3. When I stayed with my gran & papa, I used to have tuna & onion sandwiches for my supper with my papa- then annoy my sister 😊❤️
4. I lived in Leeds for a year- people were so unfriendly
5. I love beaches- they calm me right down & clear my head
6. I like views of lights from heights at night
7. This past year is the first time I’ve been open about my struggles with my mental health & it’s actually helped me recover even more!
8. I spent my 30th in New York & fell in love with the city
9. I HATE mushrooms- my mum still forgets this 😂
10. I want a dog badly but my shifts don’t allow
11. I love the colour blue- all varieties- it’s such a calming colour
12. My favourite flowers are tulips- i want to visit the fields of tulips one day
13. When I was a baby the song from ‘neighbours’ would stop me crying 😂
14. My favourite films are Mary Poppins, Alice in Wonderland, Forest Gump & Beaches.
15. I love falling asleep to music- it distracts my mind
16. I always bottle up my thoughts & feelings for fear of rejection or judgement- something I still can’t break!
17. My grans soup was and will always be my favourite meal
18. Im scared of heights & insects & things that fly!
19. I developed a love of giraffes after feeding them at a zoo
20. I have no appendix or gallbladder!

An odd day…

Today is an odd day. I’m stuck in this feeling of being content & lost. ‘Contently lost’ it’s a kind of win. I’ve always said if I could be content in life I’d be happy with that.
I’m in arran. Whiting bay for a change. It’s gorgeous today. Down the beach & it’s empty. Sea is crystal clear & sun is shining. It’s sooooo peaceful & calming & just relaxing.
Sometimes I think when the weather is this good I could live here. When I was younger this horrified me but having spent so much time here recovering in the last 8 months it’s more appealing. Maybe one day.
Or at the very least maybe I could live beside the beach. It helps my mental health no end. Clears the head & the fog. Even if it just helps while I’m here. That break is wonderful.
Tomorrow I’m back to normality & work. Nightshift with a new team of staff. Cue the anxiety & sleep deprivation!

Build me a foundation

‘Sigh’…. today’s been an odd day. Not the best start, followed up by counselling & then nightshift. Number one of three 😣
This morning my head felt pickled, my counsellor helped me to understand some of it.
I feel my recovery is baby steps but they are happening. I asked her when I’ll know if I trust myself or if I like myself, she replied when you stop asking if you do. I told her I worried I was giving some power away & whether it could potentially lead me back down to blackness. She said I’m half doing it but being able to recognise what it is I’m doing is a start. It’s an improvement.
I told her about feeling lost but ok. That I’m not sad. It made me cry, she explained it’s the emotions of not feeling so black & numb & accepting that the past is the past.

Today’s main theme was that I have to make sure I’m building a solid foundation for myself. That I’m building myself up correctly, trusting myself, building confidence, loving myself & being able to be completely open with others. So that if something happens to knock me, it won’t cause me to plummet back to darkness but instead will be a small step back that I can move forward from it.

Thinking… a little… okay a lot!

Sooo the black room continues to be closed and the up feeling is ongoing in that it’s been two whole weeks since I cried- that’s the longest I’ve went in around a year! It’s crazy to think that. I almost keep expecting to crack but I haven’t felt the pressure rising. No physical symptoms. I’ve been sad, I’ve been anxious, I’ve been scared, happy, content, excited, high & low. All within two minutes sometimes!

Sometimes I worry that I’m going back to my old habits and not dealing with what I should be.

Do I trust myself? Not yet.

Do I feel content with my physical appearance? Nope!

Do I like myself? Maybe sometimes.

Do I love myself? I don’t know.

Am I still giving others the power to do all this for me? Possibly.

That scares me. What if that’s what I’m doing again? That’s why I feel better? Others are giving me the reassurance. They like me so I must be ok. But what if they leave. What then? Do I crumple? Do I fall apart? Does the black room come back with vengeance?
How do you actually know when you love yourself?

When you trust yourself?

Do you ever?

Clearly I’m in overthinking mode today. I need motivation. I need to create a list to sort myself out. Do the things I wanted to do alone. My goal this year is to have a holiday on my own. I don’t know where. Or if i can even afford to but that’s what I want.

My todo list is still quite long. I managed the gp- no appointments for 4 weeks. However it may actually be that I’m taking too much b6 so I’m going to cut down and see what happens before I mess with the antidepressant. My diet still sucks. I’m ok at work. That’s set breaks. Days off- useless! Yesterday I had one whole meal and too many jam doughnuts. Today I’m trying to build up the force to eat breakfast. I’ve got a study day today that I’m praying I’m actually clever enough to attend! Time will tell… might help me stop overthinking everything else!