Here

Starting to realise very very very slowly (VERY SLOWLY) that questioning the “What if’s?” is pointless. It’s only causing me tears and headaches and more crap than I need. I can’t change the past. I have to start here. I’m just not sure where ‘Here’ is yet…

RageΒ 

For many years I’ve suffered episodes of acute rage. I’ve always found it odd and hard to control. I may have a reason for it now. Doesn’t make it easier. It’s almost like a firework. The smallest thing can set me off. The smallest irritation. Something said, something done, the way I feel, any tiny little thing. It usually is something small making my response unreasonable. 

It’s not logical. It’s not a reasonable response. It’s volatile. It comes and goes in such a short time period. Just like a firework. Up it goes, explodes & falls to the ground. Then I’ve left with this horrible feeling deep inside, almost of panic & heat, sometimes with the feeling of wanting to cry. 

Sometimes I can control a little of it. I can stop myself from being physical, from saying something abusive & hurtful. Only sometimes though.

I hate it. 😑

Out of nowhere

Struggling tonight, out of nowhere came the tears. They won’t stop. Just constant. Let the water out. No point holding in. No point trying to stop them. No control over them. Puffy eyes tomorrow. Wait for the empty feeling. 

I am a mummy’s girl β€οΈ

I’m definitely a mummy’s girl… there is no doubt! I’m lucky enough to have the best mum in the world- and yes I know lots of people say this but mines is the best, if she was yours, you’d agree!  
She’s kind, funny, clever, creative & so much more. The support I get from my mum helps keep me going. Especially lately. Being able to talk things through and know that I’m not judged has been exactly what I’ve needed. 
Happiness for me- talking to my mum, not just when I’m sad, but anytime β€οΈπŸ’šβ€οΈ 

Alcohol

Alcohol… a drink, an addiction, a depressant, a problem? A good night? A guaranteed hangover? An inability to drink in moderation? A method of losing all your inhibitions? At some point in my life it’s been all of the above. Tonight it was a lovely vanilla spiced rum and pepsi max. 

Tomorrow it’s why did I drink? Why did I not stop? Why do I repeat these mistakes? Why when I know what it does to me? The answer evades me every time. 😐 

Tonight, I stopped. I wasn’t comfortable in the environment so I left. Gold star for me! 🌟🌟🌟

It’s ok!Β 

Sometimes those suffering with mental health problems don’t want to hear that things will get better. Sometimes we don’t want to hear the ‘your going the right way’ chat. The ‘there’s light at the end of the tunnel’ talk. ‘Don’t give up’ or ‘It won’t last forever’ speech. 
Sometimes all we want is for people to say ‘it’s ok.’ It’s ok to be tired. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok that you don’t want to do anything. Your doing your best and that is more than enough. 
For me it can be so patronising or just plain old irritating to hear the chats. Believe me when I say you don’t know how I feel. Optimism is not what I always need. 

Sometimes I just need to be sad. To cry and for it to be ok. Yes sometimes I need a cheerleader to keep me going. But let me just be ok with me…my own self. My situation. My feelings. Just sometimes? 

Oh and Sometimes, I’m gonna want to tell you where to shove your optimism & it’s somewhere the sun doesn’t shine! 

But for anyone who wants to hear my version of optimism & positivity –>         IT’S OK if all you did today is breathe. IT’S OK if your tired or feel a little sad today. IT’S OK if you need a day lying in bed or if your not fit for work today.
You are and will continue doing amazing on your way to recovery 

 πŸ’šβ€οΈπŸ’š

Moaning time

Needing a proper moan so here goes!!! Feeling a little stressed and out of sorts the past couple days. Could definitely class myself as irritable, on the verge of tears every 5 minutes, absolutely shattered & generally meh! Think I’m just catching up to all the information I’ve gotten lately from my counsellor, occupational health nurse, occupational therapist & psychiatrist. It’s all been a lot to take on board & having to work at the moment with work issues hanging over my head aswell is… not easy shall we say! 

Migraine from hell last night- multiple painkillers, cold packs and 3 sumatriptans- but still I forced myself into work- not that you get thanked for it. Tonight it’s the residual headache & abdominal cramps, my body is crying out for a break. A proper break. But nope. Not on the horizon at present. Not till the end of September. And that’s more mess right there! 

However… I can always, always count on these two roasters to cheer me up and occupy my head for half an hour 😍🐢🐢😍

Tired…

Tired. Exhausted. Mentally. Meaning physically too. Bad day. I have no energy to even speak. Not so good when you have to work. How I’ve even made it here this morning I do not know.

The fog

What makes the fog? The illness? The medication? Life? The side effects? The lethargy? Predisposition? Bad luck? Self induced? I have no idea. 
Sometimes I feel like I have no concentration, that I’m so easily distracted by the thousand thought paths constantly going round in my head. Other times it’s like I’m looking at the outside from the inside of the inside. An extra level. Almost like watching life through a camera lens. If that kind of fog even makes sense.  
Feeling at a total loss today, needing company but not wanting it. I felt the need for air so I’ve forced myself out to stare at the sea. I could sleep. Despite the fact I slept for around 18 hours. I could still sleep. With this air and the view, the rain and the smells of the sea, I could certainly sleep. The mist and the rain is hiding the view. Barely make out the outline. Kinda how my head and life feels sometimes πŸ’š