Over thinking & Over optimistic

So my ‘positive’ outlook lasted around 12 hours today 🙄 still an achievement I think!

A little bit too much of overthinking & overanalysing- biggest cause of unhappiness sometimes!
An unexpected night out was badly needed & I had a nice evening..sober as I’m nervous at any kind of drinking with my meds…anyway, some serious conversation at the end did bring on some tears (& panic that my mascara wasn’t waterproof!) as I was told I’m too hard on myself sometimes. This of course was no surprise but sometimes hearing it- it hurts me more. I think because someone is saying it out loud. That they can tell you don’t like yourself, that you have clear trust issues and it’s obvious I’m not ok. But I do try to hide as much as possible, I try to put my fake smile on & say the right things. I try to be supportive of others, encouraging when needed.

It’s true you should love yourself & then I dare say you’d see your own value for what it is. As I don’t, this is unclear to me at times. The person I spoke with knows some of my battles but also some of the things I crave most in life. I most definitely do have some trust issues & almost feel like anyone I do let in should be told to be careful they don’t break anything!

As I came home to an empty flat, I feel alone & wonder at what life has in store for me now. I’ll admit I get jealous sometimes of others & what they have. Partners, children, jobs they enjoy & travel they crave.

The future for me is scary. I feel stuck at present between ‘fuck it’ & the ‘what ifs’. I desperately want to pursue the what ifs but sometimes feel this is not up to me to decide on. These decisions are out of my control. Other times I’m simply too scared or I think I’ve missed my opportunity.
Tonight I felt old sitting in the bar watching people who seriously look 12 years old wander by. I wanted to go back. Try a different route.

I need to forget the past & move on. Start again. Fresh this time. Do everything & anything for myself that I can & no one else. Be selfish ( nicely ) be honest & truthful. Trust that what will be will be & that I cannot change it. It’s just considerably easier said than done to trust even myself!

Positive princess 😍

img_1769.pngToday I am being a Positive Princess 👸🏼 or at least trying… I will be strong. I will do things only for myself and no one else. I will not be negative today. Not about myself. Or my situation. I will be selfish if I need to. I mean no offence!

Never underestimate the power of music

img_1767.pngMusic is medicine… 😍sometimes music can explain my thoughts & feelings better than I can- like the lyrics were written especially for my own brain. Other times if I turn the music up loud enough it can block out the bad thoughts. Music has the power to lift my mood, to comfort my thoughts & keep me going.
For years on & off I’ve used music to help me. I also listen each night to music as it helps me fall asleep. When I wake and it’s still going it’s reassuring and I fall off again. My taste varies like most people. I’ll go from classical to pop to soul to country and in between.
It is I’ll admit, only recently I’ve been able to listen to something a little more upbeat and powerful. I’ve taken a liking for some country artists and newer (new to me) artists.
My current playlist includes RagnBone man, Lauren Alaina, Cam, Alyssa Bonagura, RaeLynn & Lady Gaga. As well as Ward Thomas, Kelly Clarkson & John Legend. To name a few!

Being able to listen to these artists and feel the power and uplift, to me is an encouraging sign. I’m headed in the right direction. I remember my counsellor asking in the beginning if I liked listening to music. I could only think yes- sad songs though.
You can tell a lot about people from there music choices and current playlists… ask them what they’re listening to instead of ‘are you ok?’ Just for a change. See if their answer gives more away to their true frame of mind ❤ Try it, I dare you!

Be a glow stick!

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Just seen this & I ❤ it- ‘Okay to be a glow stick’ 😂 Today has definitely been one of my better days which is odd considering today’s events- however they haven’t gotten me down! Tomorrow however may be different when I finally return to working on the ward & my 1st nightshift in over 6months! Queue up the ‘I’m tired’ chat! Anyway, I know that I need to keep trying in order to recover from the last however long it’s been.

It’s become clear I have issues with feeling guilty over hurting others that I would rather hurt myself. Trust is another issue. I know I have to learn to accept myself & like myself. I think ‘love myself’ is ever so slightly optimistic at present! I’m aware that I will continue to experience bad hours and days and that I must focus on sitting back up and trying again. I mustn’t lie down. I may continue to feel lonely and friendless and making new ones will continue to feel impossible.

Crying will forever be something I am at least good at but…Baby steps- because every minute & every tiny, tiny step counts in moving my life forward and since I’ve already failed at going back there is no other direction! 👣☺️✌🏻👍🏻 can u tell it’s been an ok day?

The truth is…

Over the years and especially the last 7 months I feel like I’ve been at rock bottom and come up for air several times… depression and anxiety changed me as a person into someone I’m not sure of.

I’ve tried a LOT of different pills and even herbal remedies. I take vitamins. I get counselling. I’m Someone still having bad days. I’ve lost my confidence. I’ve lost my friends. I don’t know how to make new ones.

My favourite place to be has become an empty beach with just the dogs to talk to. I don’t have friends to phone and talk to. I’ve taken up snail mail and crafting to keep myself busy and pass the time. To stay awake.

Tonight feels shitty… tonight is low… and there isn’t anyone. Even when I’m not crying, I often feel like I just exist. Where’s the happiness? I’m where I am because of me. My choices and mistakes. The good and bad decision making. Now I feel stuck. All I want to do is run away and start over. But instead I’ll go to bed. And hope to stop the tears before I fall asleep.

And tomorrow will be another day.