Life

“You’re gonna be happy”

“But first,” said life,

“I’ll make you strong.”

Midnight ramblings post nightshifts… I’ve come to accept that the turn around from nightshift back to daylight is having a negative affect on my mood. I really struggle with the negative feelings from being tired and lacking motivation- I’m irritable- more so than my normal.

Lately I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions & trying to figure out the best things for not just myself but others who may be affected by my choices.

I had a really good call from my counsellor the other day & we talked about how thoughts can easily be changed but it’s the emotions that need to be dealt with & this takes longer. Ignore them & they ultimately catch up. I am living proof that bottling things up does you no good in the long run!

We also talked about the needs of the inner child & the needs of the adult & how often when recovering from mental health problems those can be two very different things. She gave me lots to think about- not like I don’t have enough going on in my head!

I told her I’m really nervous about meeting the psychiatrist for fear of being treated in the same manner as the last Gp. She told me not to worry he would take a history from me. He won’t base anything on how I look that day. Whether I look ‘too happy’ to be depressed or anxious. She’s assured me he has a very good reputation.

The appt is still several weeks away. I still have other hurdles to get through. Work isn’t going well for me. I fee unsupported there and there are hurdles coming my way.

Then there’s the new appt for new counselling. I have one session left with my counsellor. I can’t think or talk too long on it or I cry. She’s my safe space & one of the very few people I trust.
I wonder when I’ll be happy and content with my life. I know I will be.

Life just has to make me strong first.

I have a mental illness

Sometimes I feel like if I’m not crying or miserable then people judge me for saying I have depression. I don’t look sad enough to have the feelings I do. The dark clouds. The black room. This includes some encounters I’ve had with trained staff.

Despite the fact I’ve been diagnosed by several Gp’s with depression & anxiety, the last Gp told me I didn’t look depressed but did look anxious. I’m sorry I didn’t look it?!? Maybe he could have read my notes. Not to forget the fact I’ve tried many anti-depressants & various other methods.

In the last 13 years I have been on: Citalopram, Fluoxetine, Escitalopram, Sertraline, Trazodone, Amitriptyline & finally Venlafaxine. I’ve had Diazepam, Propanolol & now Buspirone for my anxiety.

I’ve been to Jan de Vries & tried alternative treatments.

I’ve had acupuncture.

I tried counselling when I was younger- I got told that if I just gave up the alcohol I’d be much happier. That was my comforter. Alcohol made me happy.

Anyway, I’ve now had counselling which is ending against my will- though I’ll be forever grateful for her help! I have an appointment with a psychiatrist & an occupational therapist.

Yes I have good days… sometimes more than one in a row… this is a huge improvement & I try my best not to crash & burn. I try not to give my power away or to pour from an empty cup. This is my recovery phase. This is where I’m trying to build a foundation. Where I struggle on a daily basis not to fall backwards into that black room.

I will slip, there will be days I can’t possibly function but hopefully they will pass.
So for those who think I look happy & can’t be as bad as I say I am, thank you for believing my fake smiles & my mask, for supporting me, encouraging me & helping me.

Also, thank you so much for the stigma of mental health people continue to support!

It’s the small minded opinions of what depression & other conditions should look like that make it so much harder for people to speak out & get help.

It’s taken me 12 years to get to this stage where I feel no shame in talking about my battle. How good or bad I feel. The endless battle with overthinking. With the lethargy and all the other symptoms.

If I could show you my depression as a visible illness, like a broken arm or a chest infection then I would. Trust me I would. But I can’t.

So for now I’ll continue to support the battle to end the stigma of mental health whilst I fight my own internal war. 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

Stuck

IMG_1796.PNGFeeling stuck again. It’s like what do I do with my time that gets me out the flat. I think stuck is up there with one of the worst feelings with depression.

The feeling of not knowing what to do and being scared of doing the wrong thing or being criticised for doing it wrongly. The lack of motivation. It’s all very well thinking you’ll do something but actually doing it is a problem.

For me I don’t know which direction to take with my life. What to do. Where to go. When to. How to go about change. I’m stuck.
I do also feel that things are changing around me that are out of my control. Like my counselling ending. That one is hitting me quite hard. She was my ‘safe space’. My one hour of unbottling my life and then having it explained and rationalised back to me. It scares me that it’s over. She’s been the only one I’ve been able to say anything and everything to in my entire life. I trust her and thats rare.

I’ve to wait and see a psychiatrist to review my medications.

I’m waiting to see an occupational therapist through Occ Health at work.

These changes don’t give me a what to do though.

What or who am I meant to be?!?

Do you?

Do people even understand that things they say can have damaging effects on a persons mental health? That the way they put things across can increase anxieties, lower moods and completely change a persons mood? What’s worse for me about this is when people do it and they know fine well I have mental health issues. They take no care in what they say or do. Yet they insist they care?

Tired

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I just want to be able to switch off for a little while. Just for the thoughts to stop. For the dreams to stop. To just be calm. Just for a little while. If that happened then surely the tears would stop. Maybe I could sort my head and my heart out then.
I suffered depression before I was heartbroken. Now I have both. I live in the past. It’s a horrible place to be. I just don’t know how to get out of it and in to the present.

Maybe if I could I could move on. Become whatever it is I’m meant to be. Do the things I’m meant to be.

Sometimes though, doing anything when you suffer depression, just isn’t that easy.