Compassion… do you know what it is? Sensitivity? Empathy?

Today I went to see my gp. The gp I liked who I felt understood mental health has retired. I was offered an appointment with one of the doctors I didn’t want to see but thought well I need to go.

(Negative experience with him before with my mental health but maybe that was just me?!?)
Not sure how I feel right now having cried my eyes out ( currently still streaming) other than I know I do not feel better. He said I looked despondent…. how was I meant to look?

He said I couldn’t say I don’t know or that I’d been told I should come back to see a gp.

He said when I asked if any of the pills he suggested would help for anxiety that I’m asking a question I know the answer to- I’m a nurse, I’m capable of knowing what I need (because clearly I understand every anti- depressant and it’s uses!)

Also that anxiety and depression are related so clearly if a pill works for one it will help the other! I said I didn’t think every pill did help both & he replied that that’s just a licensing thing but anxiety and depression pretty much go together!

Cue the part where I just gave up talking.

So now I’ve to try Buspirone. Never heard of it.

We’ve agreed- I’d of agreed to swim to France just to get out that room- that I will try this drug with my current meds. That I will continue doing everything I’m doing with counselling and that he will ask for a psychiatrists opinion on my medication having tried so many already.

Did I agree with the plan? He asked me to make an appt for two weeks time to see him…. at present I’d be happy to never see him again.

I will say, whilst I was sitting there crying and clearly wanting to leave he did check I have numbers for helplines. So maybe somewhere in there was a glimpse of realisation for him as to how I bad I feel.

I truly didn’t realise that I had to keep my fake happy face on even for doctors. I had, my mistake clearly, hoped for a little more compassion. Rather than feeling like I was just annoying someone else. Causing frustration. Wasting time.

I didn’t even get to explain my physical symptoms, the headaches, the cramps, the ibs, the persistent exhaustion. I just wanted to run out of that room.

Instead I said thanks and left.

Now I’ve come to listen to the waves & I just want to sleep. Now I think have I misread it. Is it just because of how I feel that I’m so sensitive….. or as a medical professional should he have been more sensitive?

Sad today

You told me I looked sad today.

I’m sad most days, I just haven’t the energy to hide it today.

 

–Yesterday I got told I looked ‘off’ & ‘sad’. Then I got asked ‘I take it your bad again’. Yes my clouds are back. I’m suffering depression, anxiety & stress. And I’m tired. It’s all I say lately. ‘I’m just tired’. In fact I’m exhausted and sometimes I just can’t pretend the way I normally do & the mask slips.

I’m trying to do as my counsellor asks. Though when I think that my sessions will end shortly I just cry. She’s my safe outlet.

What do I do when she’s gone? Who do I unleash all my thoughts to that can explain it? That can help me understand it? She’s my safe space and soon it’ll be taken from me because the NHS doesn’t allow more sessions.

You can’t swap to long term. Once your short term that’s it.

You’ve gotta be cured in a set number of sessions because it’s that easy to do!!!!

Feeling lonely

There is a difference between alone & lonely. I’m well aware my family love me. They would do anything for me. I know this & I love them for it.

Unfortunately that doesn’t stop me feeling lonely. It’s not about being alone either. It’s a deep empty feeling of loneliness. It’s numbing. I can feel it when I’m with people & when I’m alone.

What are friends? I have people who would say we’re friends. However none of them no what I’m actually going through. None of them ask. None of them want to be brought down by my darkness. My moods & my crabbitness. I don’t see them out of work. Some I haven’t seen in over a year or longer. They don’t text or call. There’s no house visits or days out.

Depression & any mental illness is difficult to understand. I get that. I get that people like me are difficult to talk to.

We push people away. I push away because I don’t want to get hurt or hurt anyone. I don’t want anyone to know what goes on in my head. How dark my thoughts can go. I have anxiety. I overthink. I don’t trust. I snap & can be angry.

That’s my defence to stop me crying. It’s frustration, anxiety, a loss of control.

Anger is a 2nd emotion. Never the 1st. It’s always in place of something.

When people do ask how I am, I feel obliged to lie. To say I’m ok. Or just tired. Or yeah I’m fine. They don’t want to know that I cry myself to sleep most nights.

They wouldn’t know what to say to me.

People have too much going on in their own lives without my dark clouds opening up.

But I do ask this- no offence intended but don’t say your always there for me to chat when your not.

Don’t offer something you can’t do.

Because if you truly were there would I feel this lonely???

Clouds

img_1793.pngSo yesterday I managed to be awake for 8hours- I did also sleep for an hour in the afternoon. I managed to brush my teeth and put fresh pjs on. I went from my bed to the couch and back again. That was it.
Today after sleeping for 11 hours I’ve managed to get up showered and dressed. I can honestly say that it took every bit of willpower not to go back to bed after that.

Now I’m sitting out my aunts back door with the puppies.

Achievement of the day.

I’ve decided each day I’m going to focus on completing one task on my to do list.

Yesterday that was to order my prescription.

Today I need to go to the shop for food.

I truly feel like I’ve slipped backwards. That I haven’t been able to stop it from happening. There are a lot of possible reasons for this but the reality is my black clouds are back & it’s pretty overcast.

My bed is my safe place but it’s also my prison

Everything changes…

img_1792.pngThis time last year I celebrated my engagement to the girl I loved for 8 years. This time this year, everything is different. She’s happier. But for me Absolutely everything has changed & I’m not any happier. Don’t get me wrong I’m better than 7 months ago but I’m not as good as a year ago.

Mental illness sucks royally. I’ve had a change in medications, multiple counselling sessions, (more than I’m allowed actually), separation from my fiancĂ© & then a short lived ‘relationship’ that did me no good at all.

I can’t break through my dark clouds.

They just hover.

I’m again feeling stuck. I have no clue what direction to take my life in so I waste my days. I waste my time. I sleep far too much. I lack the motivation. I have plenty of ‘I should’ things but they remain.

Can someone please just tell me where I’m meant to be going?!!

Who am I meant to be? Because this version sucks & she’s lonely as hell.

I want to just pack up and go. To wander but financially I’m stuck.

So… yup…. everything changes….

Give yourself a shake!!!

Ever get the feeling where you just wanna scream ‘ for fucks sake’ at yourself… or ‘get a grip’ or simply ‘stop it’… well…. I want to do all three as I sit & feel the big black clouds approach.
Really feeling like I’m on a rollercoaster lately. I’ve no patience. I’m moody. I’m tearful. I’m anxious. I’m sad. I’m not happy. I have no motivation. I’m frustrated at myself. I’m stuck. And the worst bit is it doesn’t feel like anything. It’s just sort of numb.
I have restless leg syndrome except it’s my whole life. I have no friggin clue. All I know is I’m sleeping more, comfort eating & wanting to run away. Avoidance I think it’s better known as. I’m tired. I’m not fine or ok. I’m bloody tired. So freaking bloody tired.
I’m running out of counselling sessions because ‘I’m stuck’. Two steps forward one step back. Except I’m +2-2. Which serves to further deplete any ounce of motivation I have.

I just want to rest somewhere away from here.