Little by little, slowly but stillness forward.

img_1780.pngSo despite a few negative moments and a few hundred self doubt moments, this week has on whole been one of my better weeks!

Technically this could be classed as day 8 of positivity- quite possibly the furthest I’ve got without crying!
I’ve managed to open up to someone new, I’ve opened up to some girls at work about my personal life, I’ve been at work πŸ˜‚ two full long days as well! I’ve seen family & visited my best friend.

There have been moments of panic, self loathing & doubt. Negative thought processes, anxiety, lack of motivation in some areas & brief slips but that’s what it’s all been- shorter spells! Though I’ve still a to do list that isn’t any shorter!

I’ve used my kalms for work when I needed & thought about what my counsellor has been drilling into my head from week 3 ( spent the first two crying too much to talk!). I’ve made appointments to do things. Appointments I intend to keep. I’ve exercised- if walking along the beach counts πŸ˜‚ I’ve also ate as close to normal this week as I have in a long time. Not quite at 3 meals a day but it’s better.

While I know there is always going to be a potential for me to slip or have bad days where the only thing I can do is move to the couch, I’m positive this is my path to recovery. I’m learning to trust. I’m learning to like me. To have confidence in me & my personality- though this is a sllllooooooowwwww process. Forward is still forward!

This week I’ve seriously been thinking about reducing my medication slightly. Though I’ll admit I’m also scared to. I’m on the highest dose & I’d like to step down just a bit to see if I can handle it. I won’t do it on my own though not without guidance from my counsellor & gp. I’m going to try & make an appointment to see my gp. It’s on my to do list! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜Š

Depression & anxiety are such an intense & difficult struggle. The mental & physical impact is beyond what many people can imagine. It’s an uphill battle which I intend to keep climbing- the only hill I intend to climb for that matter!

Mothers day

Today is Mothers Day. I for one am so thankful for the mommy I have. She’s inspiring, strong, clever, beautiful & an amazing mum. I am most definitely a mummy’s girl & proud of it!

I’m even crafting now πŸ˜‚

My mum has supported me, listened to me & cuddled me when I cried & almost ruined my lashes.

I couldn’t have got through the last year without!

I cause her a massive amount of stress & worry & she still loves me.

I love you billions & trillions forever and ever and ever.

More ❀️❀️❀️

I WILL be comfortable…maybe

I so desperately want to be content with myself. To like me- my physical and mental self-for me.
My hatred for my shape and size just now means I rarely believe any compliments about anything physical. Like they must be blind or just plain crazy- or both!!!! Compliments about my personality are always taken with an inch or more of suspicion. There are things I strive to be. Qualities I’ve created to please others. To be liked by them.
It’s these comments- positive & negative- that I’ve been searching for & using. I’ve been letting them determine my feelings for a long time. From my teenage years or younger most likely.

I’ve been told by seeking acceptance from others-I’m giving the control to them so I don’t have it. I’ve turned into someone so self conscious. I don’t have to like me if someone else does. So that it’s something I don’t have to decide on or trust. No decision making & we know that’s something I dread!

The problem is I’ve valued what others think more than myself for so long now, that I’m finding it hard to change. I need to learn to trust myself, to have confidence in myself & to not give a shit what anyone else thinks about me because I need to learn it’s my OWN, & ONLY my opinion that matters! I am determined.

I will better myself for my own mental healths sake. ❀

I need to take the next step without anyone else pushing me or complimenting or insulting me. Especially now that I’m single again. Other people’s opinions are just that. And for right now they can shove it. (Thanks but no thanks πŸ˜‚)

My voice counts.

Only mine right now.

IMG_1778.PNGI will be comfortable in my own skin ❀

Sea air

IMG_1777.PNGWee wander along the beach this morning. Clear the head. No sight of arran today. Didn’t sleep well last night. Crappy dreams and waking up in tears. Led me to eat two chocolate bars at 3am!

Feel like my positivity is coming in waves just like the sea. Ebbs and flows? Is that it? πŸ€” and it’s hours at a time not days. Struggling not to think to much about the future.

Today’s goal is trying to remember to be in the present. Bring it back to the present. Here and now.

Also considering going back to the gp- my head is so foggy sometimes and I swear given half a chance I’d fall asleep if I look at something longer than a few minutes. My eyes just want to shut. Wondering if my dose is too strong side effect wise 😣 counselling this afternoon so will talk it over.

Anyway, considering how bad my night was, so far today is reasonable!

Cuddles

IMG_6047.JPGIMG_1087.JPG

Popped in to my aunts for a visit tonight… love cuddles with these two. So adorable even when they’re being roasters! Therapy! Feeling much better tonight. Calmer. I’m taking advice and actually trying it. Got counselling tomorrow too. So in general I’m relaxed tonight. Must be the full moon! Lovely tarot reader told me I’d be calmer because of the full moon.

Rollercoaster anyone?

This week has been a mix of ups & downs twenty odd times a day! I’ve also come the realisation that I have got to sort my diet out. I either don’t eat all day or the opposite.
Anyway. Tonight I feel restless. I want to know the future. To know that when I make a decision it’ll be the right one but I know that isn’t possible. But knowing I can’t see into the future doesn’t help with the feelings I have just now. Uncertainty. Anxiety. Fear. Part of me just wants to go to bed and sleep and switch my brain off. Especially since I’ve just stuffed my face with a magnum 😣img_1776.png

Be gentle…

IMG_1774.PNGSo yesterday my positivity slipped and come early evening I could feel the ‘meh’ slipping in. I had a lovely lunch with family but my evening plans got cancelled & I dunno. πŸ˜• I’ve been on the go since last week & maybe slowing down is giving my head a chance to catch up 😞 I couldn’t even face any crafts! All I kept thinking was well that was short lived positivity!

This morning is mixed. I’m not feeling the same up feeling I have the last few days. Wouldn’t it be nice if recovering could just be a steady road???πŸ€” I can feel the pressure building right inside my core. The ‘full’ feeling… like my chest is gonna explode…
I’m trying really hard today to stay up. Or as close to it as I can!

Depression has so many highs & lows. It’s unpredictable.Looking at where I’ve come from I know I’m doing better I just wish I could be content quicker. I wish I didn’t have the confidence issues or the complete lack of trust for the human race.

My counsellor told me that some of my issues mean I lose out on relationships. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be able to like me. To be happy on my own so I don’t chase unhealthy relationships. To be content. I crave motivation. I want to not just be ‘tired’ or ‘fine’ or ‘ok’. I want to be pill free. I want to not have to pretend. I want to be able to talk to someone when things start to feel shitty. I know there are people- family, strangers, charities that I could reach out to but I don’t want to be a burden or take anyone’s space that needs that outlet more than me. I can’t speak. I know people are there if I need to vent & I’m grateful, truly, but so many people have let me down that I can’t trust anymore.

Without the freedom to write here I think I would go crazy. It’s an outlet.

End the Stigma!

We all need to look after our mental health! Without the stigma associated with it.
Having suffered on and off for many years with depression & anxiety this latest period has been one of my worst. It’s seen many things change in my life including the loss of an important relationship. My trust & confidence took a further hit & my decision making abilities disappeared.

From 6 months ago up to this point now, I can see how far I’ve come. I still have a distance to go. But… I’ve been lucky, I’ve been given help in the form of new medications, counselling, support from the best mum in the entire world as well as support from family & people I never knew or thought it possible they would or could.
I’m learning to like myself (then I’ll work on love), trust myself & accept My decisions as what will be will be.

This has also been the only time I’ve been so open about my battle. I’ve faced many different opinions & judgements along the way. Still do. Stigma exists. It’s awful, hurtful, heartbreaking & soul destroying. This has to change. It isn’t fair that someone with a broken leg or common cold gets taken more seriously than someone with a mental health problem. Someone, who on a daily basis fights their own internal demons just to survive the day.

Stigma sucks.

Ignorance sucks. It’s shitty. It has to go!

Educate yourself before you speak! ❀

Oooft

Not quite sure how to describe how I feel just now other than my head hurts but not like a headache… this has the horrid chest feeling with it & a ball in the pit of my stomach. Realising I want to scream something but have no voice or words to do it. It’s a bit mental. Literally.
I feel I’ve reached a point where I’ve become stuck. Like I’m scared to step over onto the next stone, or I’m standing on a bridge unable to come off the other end. What do I want and how do I get it? How do u even know? I can’t change the past.

My thoughts of how it has put me where I am have to stop. Fuck. That’s about all I can muster up at present. I need to accept that I can’t have everything right now.

That this is a journey…
Oooft I need a shake. Haven’t been able to read or craft this week. Did manage to watch magic mike and fall hopelessly in love with channing Tatum again so it can’t be all bad right?

Clearly that was my up moments.

For the record- I hate rollercoasters…. life’s….all sorts in every sense 😣

I am a glorious mess!

IMG_1773Having a good day today 😊😊😬😊😊- today my counsellor (really good session today) informed me that I can have an extra four sessions because I’m not ready to be discharged! So I still have 6 in total to go! 😁
Whilst some might see that as a bad thing to me it’s a HUGE relief. Like a massive weight has been lifted! Like I can just breathe out & relax! Think sighs of content πŸ˜‚
I’ll own up I’ve never been a fan of counselling for myself when I’ve suffered in the past but this time I’m adamant it’s the last time I’ll suffer this badly & counselling has helped me see what’s going on. Providing a safe trusting place & allowing me to cry or vent or sit in silence has been exactly what I’ve needed. What my mental health has craved. She explains things to me so simply & the ‘homework’ she gives me is helping slowly to build my confidence & trust in myself.

Feeling a mini buzz- I’ve actually cleaned my whole flat & plan to sort my craft stuff out! 😊

I embrace the glorious mess I am 😳😬

I suffered depression but today I am most definitely on the survival road ☺️☺️☺️

I am working on myself for myself by myself 😘

Today is a good day β˜€οΈβ˜€οΈβ˜€οΈ

Day 1 of positivity- let’s see how far I can get πŸ™‚