Hindsight is a wonderful thing

The last week has been one giant ball of feeling frustrated, anxious, stressed, restless, exasperated…. generally just crap. Just…well…’fuck’.
There have been ‘up’ moments but for the majority it’s been this. There has been arguments, tears, shouting, sleeping, eating & not eating, boredom & reluctance. Insomnia has been one of the worst bits.
My birthday has been & gone- one of the major reasons for the shouting, exasperation & tears & arguments. Though aside from that my anxiety has been high.
I have an angry chimp. Truly I do.
Anger is apparently how I express my anxiety & frustration. I never used to know this. I always thought anger was anger. I know now that anger is a 2nd emotion.
I’ve let my boundaries become blurred. The little walls I started to build have crumbled. In hindsight I can often identify what I’ve done wrong. That is where I’ve let myself down. The problem is ‘in hindsight’.
My head spins with a thousand thoughts. I’ve no idea where to begin with anything

Please don’t take this lightly

If I tell you I need you do not take it lightly. I try my best to be independent and stand for myself. I try not to show weakness or depend on anyone. So when I actually say I need you it means I need you to be there. To catch me. Hold me. Support me. It means I trust you to be there for me.
I don’t want to be your whole life I just want to be your favourite part. I want you to be my best friend. The person I love should be the one I can turn to anytime of day or night.

Sidetracked

img_1791.pngBeautiful day to sit & do nothing for a little while anyway. Came out to collect seashells & do some writing or reading… get some mind therapy…been distracted & now sitting on a bench staring at this.

Alcohol is bad…

Today I’m knackered. I didn’t want to get up and I can’t wait to get back to bed. I’ve got the horrible hangover tiredness & blues. I had 5-6 drinks yesterday which at the time was ok. Today having had the broken sleep & having to travel home from Arran I just feel down & tired. The alcohol blues.
In the past three months I’ve probably drank more than I have in the last two years- as in I’ve had a drink once a week! It’s too much for me tho. I think it’s catching up. There was a reason I stopped drinking & now I remember. It’s a depressant. For an already depressed person it’s a curse. So no more for me thanks. Not for a while. Not giving my head any more reasons to slip further back to black.

Counselling

Erm….ever get that feeling when your not sure what your feeling…. like someone says how are you & you don’t know how you are? I feel a bit lost today. A little numb & not entirely sure why.

Last week was a little rough, this week I’m down to just a couple of rough days. I’ve had to use my Digipill audio quite a lot. It’s helped me get some sleep.

Counselling on Monday. Pretty sure it’s my second last session I’m allowed on the NHS. Don’t know if I’m just overthinking or panicking but I am worried that without the counselling I could slip. She brings me back to zero. Sets me tasks. Explains things in a way I understand. Thanks to her I’m able to recognise things a little earlier. I understand things a little clearer.

It amazes me the benefits I’ve had from counselling when I was soooo against it for so many years. Thinking it was rubbish. I was so wrong…. if I can say one thing to anyone suffering with mental health issues- it’s seek help.

Get counselling.

It’s truly turned me around. I’ve had years of pills & been on just about every anti-depressant going (no lie) & I’ve done alternative treatments as well going to Jan de Vries & always slipped back. Whilst I still take my venlafaxine & b6, my counsellor has given me some clarity that I never thought I could achieve.

I can say I’m recovering & actually believe it. I just don’t want it to end yet.

I’m not ready.

Writing helps me

Writing about my mental health and progress with my life after the last year truly helps me believe things can & will get better.

Whilst I still have bad days they are becoming fewer. Further apart.

Obviously I’m not talking about when I have tears because I believe I’ll always cry as an outlet. For sadness, numbness, anger, frustration, happiness & more.

The comments I’ve had on instagram have been nothing but positive & I’m truly thankful for each & every one. I look back at some of the things I’ve written, here & on paper… it’s scary.

How dark a place I was in & how far I’ve come.

People still tell me I’m vulnerable. That I need to be careful. That I’m to imagine caring for a flower that isn’t blooming. I need to fix my environment. Take care of me rather than others.

Except it’s easier said than done. I’m really trying to improve my diet aswell, to try and eat at least two meals a day.

Mental Health Awareness

IMG_1790Mental Health Awareness week/month. .
I use my Instagram for a whole variety of reasons but I do use it as a way of emptying my head & helping my battle with depression & anxiety. I’ve read that those suffering tend to find writing things down, easier than talking. This is true for me. It clears my head. It stops the overthinking & sadness worsening sometimes. The impending black clouds turn that little bit lighter to grey.

I think it’s also important to remember that just because someone has depression, it doesn’t mean they never smile or laugh or have a good few hours or days.

There are the days where I’m good, where I smile & laugh. I cherish those days. Where I get out of bed easily, I go places, see people, have fun. Where I know I’m loved & I love back.

But my black space hits me at the most random of times. When I have that spare minute to think about something I’ve done, something I haven’t, something that’s been said or not. When I overdo things or try to be there for everyone. Pretending to be strong. Refusing to ask for help. Some days I know what I’m doing is wrong but I still do it. At least now I’m able to recognise it. This for me is still a step in the right direction. I do sometimes try to stop myself. I can hear the counsellors voice- “I’m the most important person- I come first”.

Either way I think it’s important for people to be kinder to others.

Just because we can’t see an illness doesn’t mean it’s not real. It exists & people are fighting it daily.

img_1789.pngOn this image is a quote by Stephen Fry- I love it ❤️

What barriers?

Feeling frustrated tonight. Stressed. Low & tearful. I feel like it’s self inflicted tonight and I’m responsible for letting myself feel this way. I thought I was stronger or that I could be stronger & im not. I’m scared to stand up for myself. To be strong enough to say I’m worth more. The truth is I don’t want to be lonely. So I’m putting up with things. My barriers have fallen.

Out of charge

IMG_1788.PNG

What the actual f*#k is wrong with the inside of my head?!? Having a ‘blah’ & ‘meh’ kind of couple days. Overthinking, huffy, withdrawn, no motivation or any energy kind of few days. Leaking tears but not crying properly. Anxious. Debating what the hell I’m doing with my life kinda of few days.
Seriously feeling the urge to run away and escape again. Not the greatest sign in the world. Even counselling this week hasn’t seemed to help much. I’ve been told I’m blurring my borders that’s why I’m drained. Because I’ve given too much and kept giving before I’ve had a chance to recharge. To take a step back. That i need to be mindful not to take all my frustrations out on any one person. No one is psychic to how I think and feel. I’ve also to work on my time management skills and make time for me.

Right now it’s like I want to be alone but I’m scared to be alone and instantly crave company but it’s not what I need because then I feel further drained.

I can’t be everything everyone wants me to be right now. I can’t be anything right now. I’m too tired. I just feel exhausted faking it.

I’ve lost sight of how to rebuild my borders and now I’m flooding.

Trust

The problem with trust is, once it’s broken it’s hard to repair. It’s also harder for that person to go on & trust someone else. It makes it scarier. The risk of hurting & pain & feeling let down is so much higher.

For me I struggle trusting. My depression & anxiety make this ten times worse. I bottle all of me up. There is no one I trust fully to see all of me. There are some who may know 85% of me & have my highest level of trust I can muster. They are the special people in my life.

No one knows everything. I simply don’t trust anyone that much. I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want to get hurt. These are the walls I build around myself.

The problem is there are people who I may have trusted with say 50% of me- the walls have crumbled for these people. They have gone on to let me down at times. Repeatedly. I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m upset. I’m seriously annoyed at myself. I blame myself. I gave too much. I told too much. I trusted too soon. I have told how I feel about things, what I may need from them- the extra support, the higher awareness of their words & actions- the need to see what they say rather than just hear their words. Actions are more important.

It hasn’t mattered. I still have ended up feeling this way. Hurt & low. This affects my mood. My mind goes into overdrive. Overthinking. Overanalysing. Replaying. Regret. Blame. Rebuilding those walls. So now they only get 40%. Not only do they lose a percentage of my trust but I lose a percentage of my strength. This I know is wrong. This I know is something I need to fix. I need to be strong. To love myself. To care for myself. To allocate me time. To be brave enough to say enough. To be content enough alone.

To not become drained or tired or simply exhausted mentally & physically.

The problem is… I already feel tired.