Catch up! 

I’ve fallen behind! I struggled for the third week with the self love bootcamp. Luckily Days 16 & 17 tasks were off line. The first involved a mirror challenge. The second a Gratitude list challenge. 

Day 16 was a surprise task & it was to come up with 5 things you loved about your body followed by 5 things your body does for you. Sounds easy enough, right? WRONG! 


For anyone who is body/self conscious this is a difficult task. Finding five things you love while staring at your body in the mirror IS a challenge. Certainly for me! 


I’ve hated my body shape for a long long time. Hated the size I’ve become. I’ve comfort ate. I’ve binge eaten. I’ve ate in the middle of the night (nocturnal eating syndrome if you google 😂) 

I was bullied as a child and teenager about my body. It’s left me full of negative thoughts and wishes of being smaller/ skinnier / like all the other girls. 

The media- oooft, the magazines, tv shows, music videos- they’ve all portrayed these skinny perfectly shaped tanned women and how that’s what we should all strive to be. 

Having all these thoughts that have been in my head from a young age you can see why I found it difficult!


I did however find the second part a little easier thankfully. 


Day 17 was to come up with a gratitude list. To be more aware of what’s around us and be thankful for the things we have. 

 


So that’s Day 16 & 17.  😊😍 self love matters. ❤️❤️❤️

Eff your Fear foods

Day 15 #effyourfearfoods 😬
I have to be honest I’ve looked at the use of this hashtag and I don’t think it’s something I can apply to myself in any way. I don’t have an eating disorder. I don’t have foods I fear. I have foods I like too much! 

Don’t get me wrong I comfort / binge eat and I’m one of the fussiest people you’ll ever meet but I don’t fear. I just don’t like certain things. The things I do like- I eat to excess. 

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🍎🍊🍓🍌🍍🍆🥕🥔🍗🍟🍞🥖🍞🥖🌯🥘🍛🍚🍨🍭🍰🍦🍬🍫🍿🍪🍩🍵

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I do think those of you recovering from disorders like anorexia are brave for sharing your stories and I hope you continue to do so. 

The world needs to be a more open and accepting place ❤️🌍❤️

Read and Reflect

Day 13-14Read and Reflect. 

So @omgkenzieee sent three articles out to read. Health inequity, Prejudice ruins health & Concern for Fat people’s health.

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They were all interesting reads, especially the Concern for Fat people’s health. 

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I am overweight. I am fat. I am clinically (BMI) obese. I am plus size. I do not like my body. I’ve grown up with all the ‘fat is bad’, ‘lose weight’, ‘try this diet’. I have tried a few diets. Yes I’ve lost weight but I’ve put it all back on and more. Everywhere I look is smaller people. Skinnier people. In the media- adverts, magazines & tv. Shops that only sell to certain size. I hate that I can only shop in two shops out of an entire shopping centre. That the rest I have to order online. I don’t put myself forward for anything. I hate being in photographs. I often think no one will find me attractive because of my size. I hate always being the bigger girl. 

The Body Mass Index is something I see used daily as a nurse To score people. It’s ridiculous. In hospital we don’t score or treat ‘heavier’ people in our risk assessments except to see if they need different equipment- like a bariatric bed or chair. They might want some advice on healthy eating but we don’t ask that. 

Underweight people they score on the MUST tool. They get food charts and referred to the dietician automatically. 

I have never experienced fat shaming online and I hope I never do. Fat should not be an offensive term. It’s a descriptive word just like tall or petite, brunette or blonde. I use it as a descriptive term for me. It’s not a lie. I’m not looking for anyone to say oh no your not. 

Fat shaming is hurtful. Being bullied at secondary school was damaging enough to my opinion on my body & my mental health. Being surrounded by media images and lots of people dieting- so many nurses diet it’s unreal! It’s all they talk about sometimes. It’s damaging. It truly does affect my mental health and the image I have of myself. How I see myself when I look in the mirror. Since using Instagram I’ve come to follow a few women who are inspiring in their body positivity. I hope one day (soon) that I can accept my body. Not be upset by it. Be completely body positive. Be motivated. Maybe one day.

Jiggle for joy

Day 12 #Jiggleforjoy
I’m afraid this is one challenge I just can’t manage. I’ve been at work all day and it’s something I’m really struggling with so the last thing I’m feeling tonight is joyous. My mental health seems to sink as soon as I think of work right now. Sends anxieties and frustrations up. 🙁😭and I’m back tomorrow on shift. Only 5 to go till my holiday 😓

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The idea of this challenge was just to let go and embrace the way our bodies move. How happy a little dance can make us. However I had a long day and getting home after a 12.5hr shift was just enough to send me straight to bed! 

Meh

Feeling a little meh tonight…like I need a few good days of hibernation. With no people. I continue to feel stuck. I keep hoping once the new medication kicks in that I’ll no longer feel so stuck and I’ll be able to sort my life out. But what if i can’t. What if this is as good as it gets? What if this is it kicked in. That this is my best version. 😣. I wish I weren’t so tied financially. I wish I could go travel and see all the states I want to. I wish I didn’t wish so much 

Is it normal to feel this way? Is it normal for people in general? Or just those with mental health. Is it just me being over sensitive? I’m I being too soft on myself? Or too harsh? Or do I just need a kick up the arse? I truly do not know the answer to any of these questions. Will I ever? 

Media Literacy

Day 11- Media Literacy 👩🏼

So today’s thoughts are all about Media Literacy & the images we are shown. The changes made to images and videos with no disclaimer of how they are changed/ photoshopped. 

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These images and videos that we see on a daily basis can affect not only how we see ourselves but how we see each other. They can make us strive for something that simply doesn’t exist. They can be so impressionable. I for one know I’ve been affected by the images I’ve been surrounded by. 

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Filters are fun, we all love snapchat but we have to remember to celebrate our natural beauty. With no touch-ups, no smoothing of our wrinkles and pores, no whitening of our teeth. 


 

Selfie Sunday 

Day 10- Selfie Sunday 💁🏼😍💋👩🏼
I ❤️ a snapchat filter, ❤️❤️them. They make me look pretty or silly and generally make me laugh. 

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Selfies with no filters-different matter and I find harder to do. I constantly pick at something and there’s never a good enough photo. AND I hate pictures of my body. From the neck up only please! 😣

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I know this is all about my self image and self love but I’ve hated my shape and size for so long and suffered mentally that I’ve only looked to food as comfort and gotten bigger. I presently feel like an 🐘🐘🐘🐘

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Today’s challenge took 7 attempts to find one I’m brave enough to post with no editing or filters. I do have my make up on mainly because I was going out. Though I think if it had been a no make up selfie it would have taken more than 7 attempts! 

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The snapchat selfies took one attempt. Them I can laugh at. I really want to learn how to accept my body. Love it. I’m just not sure how to? Any advice? Tips? I did feel that when I did the cellulite Saturday & embrace the squish challenges that I wasn’t ashamed. I didn’t care what people would think but day to day and face to face… not 100% sure I could say that. 

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I know this is self care Sunday too, so I’ve seen my mum 😁😁😁 and I’ve made a lovely pot of soup for dinner and I plan to do nothing but keep warm & watch Netflix 😊💓 

Rest day -9

Day 9- Rest day –>

thought I’d advise you all to listen to this track. Rainbow by Kesha from the album Rainbow 🌈

🌟.>🌟

I used to live in the darkness
 – Dress in black, act so heartless 
 -But now I see that colors are everything  -
Got kaleidoscopes in my hairdo 
 -Got back the stars in my eyes too 
 -Yeah, now I see the magic inside of me

🌈

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Yeah, maybe my head’s fucked up
  -But I’m falling right back in love with being alive
  -Dreaming in light, light, lights
  -This kitty cat lost her mind
  -Been lookin’ for a star sent sign that I’ll be alright
  -Look to the sky

🌈

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I’ve found a rainbow, rainbow, baby
  -Trust me I know, life is scary
  -But just put those colors on, girl
  -And come and play along with me tonight

🌈

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I’d forgot how to daydream
  -So consumed with the wrong things
  -But in the dark, I realized this life is short
  -And deep down, I’m still a child
  -Playful eyes, wide and wild
  -I can’t lose hope, what’s left of my heart’s still made of gold

🌈

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And I know that I’m still fucked up
  -But aren’t we all, my love?
  -Darling, our scars make us who we are, are
  -So when the winds are howling strong
  -And you think you can’t go on, hold tight sweetheart

🌈

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You’ll find a rainbow, rainbow, baby. -
Trust me, I know life is scary
  -But just put those colors on, girl
  -Come and play along with me tonight
  -You gotta learn to let go
  -Put the past behind you, trust me I know
  -The ghosts will try to find you, but just put those colors on, girl
  -Come and paint the world with me tonight, night, night, night, night, night

🌈

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I found a rainbow, rainbow, baby
  -Trust me, I know life is scary
  -But just put those colors on, girl
  -You gotta learn to let go
  -Put the past behind you, trust me I know
  -The ghosts will try to find you, but just put those colors on, girl
  -Come and paint the world with me tonight
  -Put those colors on, girl, come and paint the world with me tonight
  –

Come and paint the world with me tonight

I love this song. It screams about my mental health to me. Learning to love myself and move forward. Realise that my past doesn’t matter. 

Our battles and experiences make us who we are & who cares if other people can’t understand it. Makes them the idiot. Not us. Not me. Not you. 

Anyway I love this album! 

Wildcard Day 8

Day 8- Rest day/Wildcard 🤔🤔🤔>

So today was either a case of have a rest or think of something to post. 

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I’ve decided to post a picture of the women who have been by my side & helped me in their own way over the last year. Who continue to help me with my mental health and life in general. Who continue to support me on my journey to find self love & acceptance of my life. 

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I’m showing them some love 😍😘😍😘

#TBT

Day 7 Throwback Thursday 🌟🌷🌟🌷🌟

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The girl on the left is me. She’s drunk in the photo. She didn’t care. She spent too much money. She worked and drank. Every day. She had mental health issues. She hated her body. She was the party girl. She slept around a little. Alcohol gave her confidence. She wasn’t in a good place. 

🙍🏼

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The girl on the right is me this year. Last week in fact at the start of this bootcamp. I’ve got the correct mental health diagnosis now. I’m finally on a medication that might just be my little lifesaver. I’ve got a very small support group but they are amazing. I’d be lost without them. I don’t have any idea where I would be if not for them. 

😍

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I have a long way to go to become happy with myself. My body size remains an issue for me. I’m always the biggest girl there. 😔

However having been diagnosed now I can finally look back and understand that girl on the left. I can now at least say that girl gave me some life experiences I would otherwise never have had ( and a lot of debt!) 😂❤️💚❤️